


tiny shakespeare fusions

by cosmogyral



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Doctor Who (2005), Firefly, Fullmetal Alchemist, Homestuck, MythBusters RPF, Psych, Sherlock Holmes (2009), Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Multi, Shakespeare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:22:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmogyral/pseuds/cosmogyral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For my birthday last year I appear to have written tiny Shakespeare fusions in a number of fandoms! I totally forgot about them until today, so here they are as chapters in a fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Karkat: Hamlet

"I knew you had a taste for theatrics," Sollux says, "but when we were schoolfellows I knew not your ravenous appetite for folly." He's furious, which is not a good look on him, and he keeps pacing up and down the stairs of the theater, as though he's about to hare off after the girl. "Feferi is an honest maid."

"An honest maid, a sad thought," Karkat snaps. "She keeps nothing sacred and does it point-device."

"If she keeps her honor she'll do twice as well as thee." Sollux whirls at the door. "Hast avenged thy father's death while I was not watching? Or art thou still overcome with madness?"

 _Thou_ , as if Sollux has the right-- "You speak the truth! Perhaps I have gone mad." He swings the prop sword round. "Perhaps I am that which I seem, perhaps I see blood in every corner, perhaps I am _pursued by ghosts_ of your imagining, you halfwit son of a chapbook and its cousin. Or perhaps I have a _plan_ , and I must act the fool, and drive away my friends and draw my enemies till all around me think they have me heeled, and half a hundred swords are at my throat, and our sweet Princess runs from me ashamed and my best friend accuses me of madness! Indeed there is little to choose between madness and folly, except at the end of one, the king admits he killed my father!"

He stops himself, forcibly, breathing hard, until Sollux begins to come back down the stairs again, his expression unreadable behind the tinted spectacles he wears. He pulls himself up on the stage, and pries the sword, gently, from Karkat's hand.

Karkat collapses into a chair. With more deliberation, Sollux takes the other. In that chair five minutes ago, his player uncle poisoned his player father, and took his crown, until the king rose and gave over the play.

“Thou’rt also mad, Prince Karkat,” Sollux says. “Thou needst not choose; one can be both mad and act the fool. Thou dost, very naturally.”

“Thou again, nothing but thee and thou,” Karkat grumbles, knocking shoulders with Sollux. “Know’st not _thou_ that I am thy prince and not mad besides?”

“Thy tongue speaks it though thy actions belie it and all my heart does muster against it,” Sollux says. With his lisp it’s funnier than he means it to be. “But still you are my friend.”

"Hang my madness," Karkat says, awkwardly. "Forgive my ill-conduct. We are still friends?"

“You ask each time we meet, and each time, yes,” Sollux says, with a sidelong smile. “And subject, an you lead me into hell.”

“Wilt go thither?” Karkat sighs. He drops his head into his hands. “My uncle Jack is close, and thoughts like vipers do possess my mind, to dispossess his soul. And wilt thou, then, accompany me to the dark depths of wherever fratricides are left? Then thou hast not a grounds to call me mad, for madman cannot bring suit against madman, or who shall be left to fill the bench?”

“Then should the courts of law be emptied all and Terezi brought home again to wed thee,” Sollux protests. “Better you stick to fratricide, Prince Karkat, you’ve no art at logic.”

Karkat laughs at this, a real laugh of the kind he's almost forgotten he had in his arsenal. "Shrive me," he says. "What will anyone do when I'm king?"


	2. Spock: King Lear

"I have two sons," Sarek used to boast, "two, and one bonny and fair as the wench who begot him, one as dark as the woman I married. Wilt thou come and show thyselves, rascals?" And Sybok and Spock would come, and Spock could almost bear being a showpiece.

Now his mother is dead. Now Sarek says, "I have two sons, one as wily as the wench who begot him, one as sober as a marriage bed," and when he summons them forth Sybok bows and laughs and knows the way to charm. Spock cannot. Spock is hard-faced, and loyal to his king.

"Thy father thinks that thou art resolute," Nyota says, in Latin; she is always challenging him in Latin. "I would my father thought so much of me."

"He dotes on you, my lady," Spock says. "He wishes you wed and his heir already."

"Ay, he dotes," Nyota agrees. Her fingers trace the hornbook. "One day," she says, with a practiced and false smile, "he will ask me if I dote on him. And thou hast trained me into the habit of honesty."

When she reaches for the book again, he stills her hand with his.


	3. River: Twelfth Night

RIVER: What country is this?

CAPTAIN: This is Miranda, lady.

RIVER: Ah, a fair country. I talked often of it to the sea. The sea sings, did you know that? Old songs and songs we'll hear no more, but as Paracelsus once said, to it go we, a prince and a pea, a hawk and -- But have I the rest? I conned it, but all things must die, and the mind the first. It pains you that I speak so.

CAPTAIN: No, my lady.

RIVER: But it does. You think me mad. Well! I am mad. Hast never been on a sea-voyage before?

CAPTAIN: Some forty year.

RIVER: Then know'st not thou that the sea is a soldier's mouth?

CAPTAIN: My lady, I fear not.

RIVER: No, I assure you. The bottom is pearled, and it speaks rough words, and when it begins to eat there is no ceasing. My brother he will be a meal for it, that might let it march for a twelvemonth. Then shall we all be drowned. They say that Miranda is a fine country for fools.

CAPTAIN: There is a great one, hereabouts,  
who breaks the hearty measure of his wit  
upon the duke and fair Olivia.  
My lady, will it please you go to him?

RIVER: I will, and be a fool before the sunset.


	4. Katara: Hamlet

"I have no quarrel with you," the prince says, pacing the grounds. "Katara, may we fight and leave as friends?"

Katara puts out a hand, and Zuko, naïve even in deceit, takes it as she yanks him in. "Your father," she says, "offered me a poisoned sword."

Zuko's eyes go wide with betrayal and despair but not surprise. He glances towards her foil.

"I took it so that I could do this," she tells him, and tosses it aside, putting up bare hands. "I want to fight you fair."

"Then should you have fought me when I had an uncle," Zuko tells her. "Now you fight me most foul."

"A toast," says Ozai, lifting up his glass. "To the victor."

Katara shifts into first stance. She hears the poison lapping in the wine, the blood rocketing through Ozai's lying heart, the sweat that pours from Zuko's princely, fevered little brow.

When he strikes she is like the tide.


	5. Irene Adler: As You Like It

She's been practicing, though she never quite knew why, and Mary seems rapt when she watches, moving only to hand her the end of the roll of bandages when Irene asks for it. The breeches go on over the stockings and the padding must not be so large it appears to be theatrical. Her hair she hesitates over, and looks to Mary for approval.

"I cannot see why you should cut it off," Mary sighs, getting up to hand her a hat. "A braid will still protect you in the woods, and if you change your mind, why, there's your hair, and there's your womanhood at easy hand."

"Perhaps you should be the boy," Irene teases her, winding the hair up under her cap. "Your humor is lewd enough."

"Cousin!" Mary gasps, exactly as shocked as she's decided to be. "I am the duke's daughter."

"You are a rascal," Irene says. "Now I am point-device the man. Save for a girl, to swoon upon my arm."

"I will swoon upon your arm," Mary offers. Her smile has a dimple.

"Do not make such promises," Irene murmurs, putting out her arm, "unless you wish me to try to bring them to pass."


	6. Black Queen: Macbeth

"Come," says his lady, and takes off his mantle. "Tell me what was in the forest."

Jack scratches the back of his neck, where since he saw them, he's thought that they were watching. "Three prophecies."

"You will be king hereafter," she says, dreamlike, tracing a black finger over his face. "King, King of Derse, you will. And no heirs."

"My dedicated duke for an heir," he reminds her, scowling. Her ringed finger stops on the frown. "I want no such false inheritance."

"The duke will serve you false as never true," she laughs. "Do not you fear the duke. Just kill the king."

"So simple," he growls, stepping out of the rags of war. "As though it were a game of chess."

"Oh, no, my lord," she says. "Much easier."


	7. Amy Pond: Romeo & Juliet

"No, but, the thing is," the Doctor had explained, "stories aren't cosmetic. You of all people, Pond. You should be pretty well clear on the idea that stories tell you."

Which doesn't prepare her enough to be short-haired and holding a short-sword, raving about being in love with love, while the Doctor talks of nothing and fences with shadows and complains, in general, about her attitude. And she isn't prepared for the way that when Rory meets her eyes at the Capulet's dance, she starts speaking in blank verse, just like that, baffled and magic, the way she knows that if he dies in this one, too, she'll drink the poison down and consider it a reasonable decision.

"I thought I knew thee when I saw thee first," he says, over his balcony.

She gets both hands caught in the ivy. "We've a problem," she says breathlessly. "I'm sure I can get us out of here if I break the pattern, that's how it all works, that's how it always works, except, my boy, I want you very badly to be my husband by tomorrow."

He blinks down at her. "I understood not one word you just said, except for husband."

"And don't you forget it." She vaults up onto the balcony. "All right, change of plan. I'm going to kiss you, and then we're going to leave Verona, and hide out until nobody drinks poison at all."

(When it's all over she makes him keep the dress.)


	8. Mythbusters: The Merchant of Venice

"I cannot lend thee half a hundred crowns," James says, quellingly. "I have lent thee half my purse already, and thou hast spent it on parts for the metal man."

"Thou know'st he cannot walk unless I have the cogs," Adam says airily, "and cogs are money, and money is water, it flows from my hot palms to cold purses. An if you say thou dost not wish to see him walk I will fight thee for a liar. This is beside the metal man, and better."

Oh, my God. "The island girl."

"The _mystery_ island girl," Adam says, triumphantly. "Who says that she will wed only he who can open the metal casing 'round her picture. Dost not desire to know how much powder it takes to open a lady's heart?"

"I have not the funds," Jamie says, with finality, but Adam's face wilts, and he finds himself saying, "...But I may take a loan."


	9. Burton Guster: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern

"I have duty here," Guster protests, tugging against Spencer's insistent hand. "My family, my work, the physic of the sick--"

"An apothecary can travel," Spencer wheedles. "The messenger sent for us. Do you not want to see the Prince?"

"No!" Guster says. "The Prince knew not my name, though we have guarded his sister this five year. I want nothing to do with him or his untimely madness. You can travel to Elsinore and I will sell my wares and when y'are murdered, I will pay to pray you out of purgatory."

"Thou," Spencer says, pointing to accuse, "art as lily-livered as a Frenchman."

"Thou art as adamant as a Scot," Guster says, sourly. "Go you to the Prince. I am sure he will reward you greatly."

Spencer looks at him with cunning. "I'll toss you for it."

When the coin won't stop turning heads, only Spencer is surprised.


	10. Roy Mustang & General Armstrong: Macbeth

It's too dark for Roy to see the general's expression as he settles down on his bedroll. "The men are restless," he says. "They think the Drachman court gives a good embassy."

"Not mine," the general says. She balances her sword on its blocks, and stands to find her whetstone. "They know the mettle of the fight."

Havoc's wine has made Roy's limbs loose. He settles back with his head against the tentpole, his eyes drifting closed. "They ought to temper it with sense. They fight for such a king as they depose."

The general hmphs. "Thou talk'st like a boy, all prattle and no point."

Roy opens one eye. "And if I spoke the simple strain of truth? What would thou do? I am as I have said. In peace I am a ram; in war, a bull. As many men as thou hast laid to rest, I set to flame in Ishval. Twice that number in their children and their wives."

The sliding sound of a sword on its whetstone.

"The land could not endure a second war," Roy says. "When I am king, I will at last be king, and all ends king; and what of then? What wilt thou do when I tell thee to go and bring a province, ashen, to my feet?"

The general bangs her sword against the stone, jolting him upright. She looks levelly at him. "Think'st thou I take thy cause to make thee king?"

"And why else?"

"Then add fool to your catalogue of sins," she says. "I'll take the throne myself, or else have none."

Roy smiles, slowly. "Wilt thou?"

"Aye, boy," she says. "Wilt thou take it from me?"


	11. Dave & Terezi: Romeo & Juliet

Rose looms over them better than you'd expect her to be able to. "Brother, if you'll not retire, I'll retire alone. The day is hot and highbloods are abroad."

"The day is hot," Dave says, adjusting his head in Terezi's lap. "The week is hot, the month is hot, the summer is the eternal inferno. Terezi, did you bring the hells with you?"

"A superstition that ill becomes you, my sweet," Terezi tells him. "And if they come, Rose? We've swords enough for the three of us. Are you scared to meet them in those skirts?" She frowns, and sniffs the air. "Dave, she left."

Dave yawns. "I wish she had ta'en me. I'm for the hells myself, and soon, an this ache does not pass."

"Ah yes! You drank the seven seas last night, my love."

"And matched you drink for drink, and you are skin and bones," Dave complains, throwing an arm over his eyes. "Or smiles and bones. If I could ope to check, I know I'd see you gaping like a natural. You ought to have gone for folly. It would suit your natural demeanor."

"And give you competition?" she says. She shifts, and he lets out a noise of protest as it sends another wave of headache through him. "I like not this silence in the streets," she admits. "This is the very weather for spiders."

Dave groans. "Rose had it aright. If you find Vriska, kill her quiet, I beg you, quiet. A one-two and under the arms. None of these games of art."

There's an unexpected silence from Terezi, and he makes the Herculean effort and removes his arm again to get a look at her unhappy face. "If I did kill her," she says, eventually.

"When," Dave says, and then wants to bite his tongue out. "If," he says, hurriedly. "Go to. You'll not kill her save if needs be."

"And if needs be?"

"Then you'll run her through," Dave says. "Your arm is good. Or not. Whatever you will. 'Swounds, Terezi, I'm no counselor. Go ask my sister."

"No," she says, beetling her brows at him. "I love your sister well, but you are the man who rests his head so discourteously in my lap and prevents me from prudently following her in. I want not your advice. I want your aid."

He reaches back for her hand, and after a minute she takes it, weaving her claws through his fingers. "You've title to all you can get from me," he says. "My liver's a sad thing and my heart's wandering in my bowels, and my head is stuffed with wax. Yet I might be your man of straw, and draw her good jousting blows while you skewer her from behind."

She smiles, just barely. "A goodly plan."

There are footfalls, and the sound of voices, across the square. The haze of heat obscures their faces.

Dave sits up with his hand already on his sword.


End file.
